The Greatest Fucking Genius of All Time (patrick) wrote,
The Greatest Fucking Genius of All Time

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Can I plug a keyboard into my head and Ctrl-Alt-Del?

I've been thinking about things. Insomnia has invaded my night tonight and sleep just won't come to me. Once you reach a point at night, you can't just lay down and sleep. Something must happen. For me, for tonight, I've just been thinking about me. Again. Hey, what can I say besides I have a vested interest in myself. Personally, I find me a very interesting topic.

Anyways, I was thinking about how much I love sleep. I list it as an interest when telling people what I like. If I truely like it so much, then why am I awake now? The answer I came up with is that I don't love sleep. I hate it.

Sleep is the time when your body recharges. It does all those regular maintenances that are so important and you are able to keep moving and do what you need to do. That's all fine and good, but I hate the side affects. When I go to sleep, I blissfully dream about girls I've never met and I dream about things I've never done. My life is so much better in dreams and often the dreams make me happier. It's escapism to the max. Then I wake up and all the sudden I have to deal with life again. My brain doesn't react to that reality check very well and I slowly roll out of bed and slowly move to do what I have to do. If I never had to do anything, I would just lay there and sleep instead of doing something; But here in lies the problem. We can't live in the dream world and nothing happens just because I lay down and close my eyes.

I've been watching this tv show called Dead Like Me, which is a very funny, very cynical show on Showtime about grimreapers and the life they lead. I have found that I relate to the main character, George, quite a bit. I'm not quite as cynical as she is in the show, but I do have the issue of being apathic about everything like this character. The only reason she seems to do things is because she has to, but then once the situation begins to happen around her, she rides with it. I take life very similarly, and it doesn't work. There needs to be more reason to things. There needs to be more order and purpose to me. Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie or a tv show and fate would somehow come along and pull me to my purpose. Real life just isn't that simple, though.

Logically, the next question I would ask myself is, "What is that purpose I am seeking, then?" This I am still unsure. I honestly don't believe I have found what I am suppose to be doing in my life. Nothing connects to me like that. Aren't we suppose to have some magic passion that would make everything seem more right? I look at my friends who have these amazing passions and talents and I wish that I had something like that. I haven't found it though. It always seems like it's fun, but it's just not... there...

I should go get coffee this morning. A morning jog maybe?

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